So, what’s causing this friendship recession?

1. Predominance of Technology. The same survey showed that 40% of Americans claim to only have online friends 🤯 Sit with that for a minute. No passing of warm plates, no clinking of glasses, no falling over each other as gales of laughter overtake us. Now, I’m not saying online friendships aren’t meaningful – I have some great friends I’ve met and only engaged with virtually. But to only have online friends feels like we’re missing some of the depth, texture, and richness of human connection.
2. Importance of Work. Increasingly, we identify with our work titles. If not our primary jobs, our side gigs. In fact, the gig economy has put free time (e.g. time to socialize) at a premium. Maybe because we love being busy with both jobs, and maybe because economic pressures are making time an even rarer luxury.
3. Decline of Faith. My friend Ed made a comment the other day, “the benefits of being part of a church are incredible!” The Pew Research Center agrees – they found that active religious adults are more likely to engage in community. Concurrently, Americans who don’t identify with any faith has grown from 17% to 26% over a decade.

And here’s what we can do about it:

• Don’t sacrifice community for convenience. In a world of contactless payment and deliveries left at the door, tech enables us to live a life of complete isolation! Can’t get up the energy to fight traffic today? Texting your friends you can’t make it? Fight the impulse and get out the door! Community feeds your soul like this amazing bunch in Amsterdam 🥰

• Create opportunities to bring amazing people together. My friend Jon Levy has inspired me with his game-changing Influencers Dinner – I realized we can all create shared experiences that build and deepen human connection. In fact, I recently hosted a fun evening with amazing people at one of my fav restaurants!

• Start introducing yourself without referencing work. This may feel uncomfortable at first, but you’ll begin to find other ways to connect, identify yourself, and perhaps realize the myriad ways you both find and contribute joy in life. For instance, with the TikTok account I just started, I refer to myself as CEO, Author, & Mom. All three are equally important to me, because I’m more than my job.

Let’s get ourselves out of this friendship recession.

I imagine us each as sparkling drops of water in the ocean. We’re each a small part of the whole, but if enough of us pull away, the entirety of the ocean shrinks. If we continue to pull away into our little bubbles, our broader communities will be negatively impacted, individual struggles with loneliness and mental wellness will amplify, and truly, the whole world will be impacted. So let’s dive in. Embrace the friction and discomfort that friendship requires and then immerse in the joyful embrace of community. It’s worth it.

For related articles, check out:

• Pilgrims don’t travel alone
• The power of tiny interactions

The post We’re in a friendship recession appeared first on Social Legacy.

It’s all about community.

Ah, those lovely humans we get to live life with. We may choose to let years go by and not say hello to a next door neighbor, or we can intentionally curate connection in life’s most mundane moments. Here on Ashton with some lovely people, we curated a special sense of community in this building. We held doors for each other, gave each other’s puppies little treats, and looked out for each other’s packages.

And then we found the FUN!

See, in inclement weather, the littles often played in the garage. So one day I hung this bag from “the Ashton elves.” Periodically leaving them little toys, books and snacks…. hoping to add a little fun to their inside play days. And it was only when we moved out that I discovered others in the building had started to leave little treasures, too! 

Long live the elves.

People say it’s difficult to connect in LA. But community is what we make it, and I’m constantly uplifted by how humans rise to the occasion! May the Ashton elves live on and here’s to #sociallegacy!

https://social-legacy.com/tangible-tips-to-live-with-intention-emily-chang-social-legacy-apac-coaching-conference/For tips on Living with Intention, check out this post.

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1. What do kids do when they notice a bright, sunny day?

They put aside whatever they’re working on and race outside. Throwing open the door, they run out to embrace the warmth, small faces upturned to the sun.

This reminds of me of that old Calvin & Hobbes comic strip. Remember how Calvin would try to convince his dad to come outside and play? In one strip, dad responds, “Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise.” Isn’t that sad? And untrue! And yet, perhaps it holds a kernel of truth.

Do we feel pressure to demonstrate how busy we are? To look serious and professional at all times? Let me ask you this: what would it take, for us to disentangle ourselves from those expectations and enjoy a sunny day the way a child would? Neoteny.

2. How do kids engage each other on the playground?

A child runs up to another and asks, “Hey, do you want to play?” Smiles exchange and bloom, the kids run off hand in hand. Well, that was easy!

So, why do adults struggle to do the same? Marisa G. Franco, a professor at the University of Maryland, notes that we need two elements to be true to make friends organically¹. They are: 1) continuous unplanned interaction and 2) shared vulnerability.

Well, the playground may allow for these dynamics, but as adults, we find ourselves in a this type of situation less often. So, what can we do? I think the secret lies in one of my favorite words: INTENTIONALITY (it’s in the subtitle of my book). We need to create the conditions for meaningful interaction. Book lovers can attend readings and art lovers may visit galleries. Pet lovers might visit dog parks. Note: stay off the phone! Enjoy the day and look around, because it’s difficult to engage with others if our eyes are glued to the screen.

For years, the U.S. Surgeon General has warned us that America is in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, and the pandemic certainly exacerbated issues. Let’s fight loneliness by getting intentional and learning from the concept of neoteny!

3. How do kids grab a seat at the table?

They race to the best seat they can find and promptly, plop themselves down! Perhaps they’re gunning for the seat closest to the crayons, or trying to claim the spot closest to the window. Kids don’t overthink about how they might be perceived, or worry about following social norms. Adults can learn from that kind of gusto!

Personally, once I entered the C-suite, the head of the table was often reserved for me. I’ll confess that initially, I was very uncomfortable taking that seat. I’d roll my chair to the side, creating an uncomfortable asymmetry in the room. Or I’d take a seat on the side of the boardroom, which left the big chair empty. But soon, I realized my own reticence was creating discomfort for the group, so I learned to just sit down. Eventually, the habit became more comfortable and the seat felt more like my own.

Here’s the other thing I realized: if everyone’s worried about how they’ll be perceived for which seat they select, no one is really looking at you. So learn from the young ones and just grab a chair!

This concept of neoteny isn’t about being shallow-minded or naive.

Rather, it’s about embracing life the way a child does.

It’s about sprinkling joy wherever you go! (now THAT is a great legacy).

Or giving with an intentional generosity that borders on outrageous, because you know it comes back tenfold!

And it’s about cultivating a space that promotes a deep sense of well-being. Check out more about the Danish concept of Hygge here.

Ref 1: https://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2021/11/10/making-friends-adults

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Hygge is about intentionally creating a feeling of coziness and wellbeing. And what Jaesin taught me about Kibun is a mindfulness to details that allow everyone who enters our space to feel a deep comfort for the spirit. That’s what he felt living in our spare room, and it’s just what I felt at this little cabin.

How COZY is this?! I loved waking each morning and falling asleep each evening in the comfort and quiet of this special place. As I looked around at all the little touches in the cabin, the word, Hygge, caught my attention.

What is Hygge?

Pronounced “hoo-guh,” The New Yorker defines hygge as “a quality of coziness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being.” I’m loving this! As the daughter of immigrants who bought the good quality furniture and promptly wrapped in plastic, I’ve opted to enjoy and use everything in the house. And sure, I love beautiful clothes, but my closet contains more than one pair of hyggebukser – those pants you’d never be caught dead wearing in public, but live in when you’re at home.

Is Hygge the secret to happiness?

Sure, life brings challenge, disruption, and frustration. No, things don’t always go the way we want, and heart relationships inevitably come with misunderstanding and hurt. But generally, I’m a truly happy person. More than happy… joyful. Why? I think it’s because I live in the cozy and delight in creating a space of comfort for those around me.

Maybe hygge is the thing we should curate and cherish. Perhaps as we intentionally focus on that feeling of contentment, we start to feel more content. And this may be just the thing that we should cling to in life, knowing how it feeds our souls, and those around us. The Danish seem to have figured it out; as Wiking says in his book The Little Book Of Hygge, “What freedom is to Americans. . . hygge is to Danes.”

Perhaps being able to deeply appreciate the small, hygge pleasures in life is exactly the secret to happiness.

For related articles, check out:

• And the people stayed home – written in 2020 right at the beginning of COVID pandemic
• Sizzles & Pops – how when we create a space of open engagement, nurture passion, and encourage innovation, the room lights up!

To book this airbnb in Utah, go find the amazing Pepper and her cabin here!

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THE NONESSENTIAL MINDSET

If essentials enable us to be, and to exist…nonessentials are all about how we feel and grow. By adopting the nonessential mindset, we can shift our focus from surviving to thriving. From simply doing to engaging. And from “getting through the day” to living in abundance and joy! Here are three nonessentials I’ve learned, which can make all the difference.

1. Embrace with language

In our spare room, we’ve hosted a number of teenagers we barely knew. Lexi, one of our fourteen-year-old girls, was sweet and quiet. Because of challenging life circumstances, she was often withdrawn and sad. Well, to draw her out, our family would invite her to join us when we went out to dinner or visited the ice rink.

Here’s what we learned – asking Lexi if she’d like to join us immediately isolated her. It became “her” vs. “we”. Despite our positive intentions, we made Lexi feel like an outsider or a guest. So, we changed our language to become more embracing. We started saying, “heads up, we’re going out to dinner tonight,” embracing her with casual, familiar language that helped the teen feel like she was part of the family. You see, tweaking wording may not feel like an essential, but considering the nuances… this nonessential mindset made all the difference for Lexi.

2. Mind the Optics

Years after Lexi lived with us, we opened our spare room to Lotus. If you’ve read my book, you’ll know this teen was the daughter of a prostitute and her pimp. Lotus grew up sharing a dirty, horrifying room with her mother in the brothel. Despite her challenged upbringing, she really loved school and poured her heart into her studies. This often meant that Lotus arrived late to group events, because she attended buxiban or extra tutoring sessions after school.

I remember one day Lotus met us as a restaurant, and we had already begun eating with some friends when she arrived. I had neglected to leave a chair open for her, thinking we’d just squeeze one in when she got there. But then I noticed the teenager’s face. Her cheeks reddened and she shifted uncomfortably as she looked around, wondering where to sit. That’s when I realized that another nonessential, the optics, are so important. Leaving an open seat for Lotus signaled a warm welcome and demonstrated that we were waiting for her to join us.

Ever since that dinner, I take care to mind the optics. Do we need to make space for a wheelchair? Isn’t he left-handed? He’ll want to sit at the end of the table. Doesn’t she struggle with her eyesight? Let’s ensure we leave her a space near the front of the room. The nonessential mindset helps everyone feel cared for and considers how to eliminate unnecessarily awkward moments.

3. Acknowledge Contribution

With the babies we cared for, we had to do everything for them! And sometimes, we adopted the same approach with older kids. Jaesin was our oldest spare room resident. And when he stayed with us, I was so focused on serving him, making sure he felt comfortable… that I neglected to realize he was, in return, trying to serve us!

One day, I opened the refrigerator and saw the most beautiful bowl of watermelon cubes with all the seeds carefully removed. Laini skipped into the room and seeing me holding the bowl, happily declared, “Mom, that’s mine! Jaesin cuts watermelon for me for my afternoon snack.” I glanced at my little girl’s glowing face and saw how this gesture made her feel so loved.

That evening, I acknowledged Jaesin’s contribution over dinner. And I will never forget his response. He said: “I don’t know how else to help out, so I make watermelon salad for Laini.” Friends, people want to contribute, and they appreciate recognition for their contributions. That’s why an important nonessential is to consider how we might create the context for others’ contribution and then ensure we recognize and appreciate their input.

What are your nonessentials?

The three nonessentials I touched on were: 1) Embracing with language, 2) Minding the optics, and 3) Acknowledging contribution. I’d love to hear about any nonessentials that you’ve found important and uplifting to others!

Click here to watch the full TEDx talk on “The Nonessentials“

Check out my first TEDx talk on “The Spare Room“

Or view my third TEDx talk here: “On Killing Chickens”

The post My Fourth TEDx Talk: The Nonessentials appeared first on Social Legacy.

Our family goes somewhere new to explore the beauty of the place. Also, we do more than live the tourist life. We meet locals and invest in the community alongside them. So far, we have enjoyed adventures in Kunming, Vietnam, and Honduras.

Recently, because dad is working in Shanghai, Laini and I took a quick trip to Utila. She had just fractured her ankle, but doc approved the trip as long as we were careful with crutches and boot. This trip exceeded all our expectations! Because we had planned to volunteer at Jaspers Utila Animal Shelter (the story is featured in Chapter 4 of The Spare Room book). We enjoyed our reunion and meeting Alison’s new hubby. And the shelter continues to expand!

Then, we heard about the baby sea turtles.

291 babies had been hatched and protected, and were ready to make their way into the ocean! What an amazing thing, watching these tiny little guys make their way to water. We also learned about the special ones – the last batch of babies hadn’t managed to hatch on their own, and needed a little help. That’s why they were kept separate and released at the very end, with extra loving care.

We didn’t think it could get much better after the baby sea turtles!

And then, we met Ms. Terry.

This amazing woman is a force of nature! She collected a group of island kids, and together, we bought and delivered food to the elderly.

Investing in the community was really rewarding and watching the kids get to know each other was also great fun (despite the language barrier!) In fact, we ended up spending the rest of the day with those kids on a banana boat. What a wonderful day!

All this squeezed into a few days with a broken ankle. I’ll end with snaps of one evening as the girls sat quietly, watching the sun go down.

Oh, and a HUGE shoutout to Utila Chocolate Company! Lejourn is an amazing human and we LOVED getting to know him, while enjoying all sorts of coffee and chocolate. Dreamy.

For more on our GGAs, check out our trip to InterContinental Wonderland.

For more on thoughts about family experiences, check out this post on family rituals and this one about identifying your family’s social legacy.

The post We love service holidays! appeared first on Social Legacy.

Define your Social Legacy as a family.

This was the core idea of my talk. In fact, defining our family’s social legacy has been a huge enabler for our family. It has deepened our conversations about how we want to live life, prioritize our time, and engage with those around us. But before we can define our social legacy as a family, we need to define who we are as individuals. (Yes, you may see a theme if you’ve read my other posts! And on a quick side note, I do see quite a few parallels between how we operate at work and at home).

As Socrates has been credited for saying, it’s helpful to “Know Thyself.” (Another side note – actually, he didn’t come up with the phrase; the motto is inscribed on the Temple of Delphi). Regardless of source, the point is an important one. By deeply understanding ourselves and what drives us, we can examine how we fit together as a family, like pieces of a puzzle. For instance, my sharp edge here may complement his soft surface there. Or his disciplined approach to time management may keep her on track when she’s prone to distraction.

Our family is delighted by our differences!

The Chang’s have done a number of these Enneagram, MBTI, Love Language assessments. They’re not only fun, but they reveal valuable insights and open meaningful dialogue between the three of us. Not sure I love the “entrepreneur” image that relates to my latest MBTI, but I do agree with much of the assessment 😅

If you’re like many of the audience members who hadn’t explored this kind of dialogue with their families, check out some of the resources I shared. They are listed on the left hand side of the slide. These reflective exercises are fun and most worthy of investment! Because as Neo Jane Masisi, the First Lady of Botswana asked on stage, “Parents, whether biological or otherwise: if what we do while in this world is not for our children, or their children, what, then, is our main driving force in this world?”

For related articles, check out:

• A Three Month Miracle – the story of our latest Spare Room kid
• Does Your Family Have a Safety Plan? Practical tips for parents
• A list of our family’s favorite games

Photo credit: Gulf News Quote reference: Khaleejtimes.com

The post That time the royal family invited me to speak. appeared first on Social Legacy.

Let’s start with writing it down.

Yes, this is a graphic of a tombstone. Perhaps a bit morbid, but as someone who enjoys defining the end goal, this is sort of the ultimate end goal! You see, if we can define how we want to be remembered, we will find ourselves adjust our daily choices with more deliberation, prioritization, and intent. Do you have an epitaph? If not, take a moment and write yours down now. How do you want to be remembered?

• Now that you have a draft, are there elements that you feel pretty good about? Keep it up!
• Maybe there are other parts of your epitaph that feel like a distant goal. That’s OK, starting today, you’ve got those words to drive you every day!

So, once you’ve written your epitaph, post it somewhere you can see it every day. Maybe even share it with those closest to you – because once you share an intention, you’ve created a verbal contract!

Then, let’s consider the trolls.

Once we have defined how we want to live our life, what might stand in our way? Almost always, the most challenging limitations don’t diminish us from outside, but rather from within. What are your personal trolls? Take a moment to define what diminishes your physical wellness.

• Is it food related? Perhaps you need to start each day with a healthy breakfast. Or perhaps it’s not food-related but tied to your exercise routine, sleep habits, or other priorities that enable you to be at your physical best.
• What about those trolls that whisper in your ear? Do they insinuate that you’re not good enough? Do they plant seeds of fear or doubt? Identifying those trolls is the first first step to putting them to rest.
• What about your spiritual balance? Perhaps you’re an introvert and you need a certain amount of time to yourself each week. Or perhaps you find you’re at your best when you start each day in quiet meditation.

I hope these tangible tips have gotten you thinking and help you begin to live with deeper intention.

For related articles, check out:

• My first post about the APAC Coaching Conference: Who are you?
• Reflecting vs. Ruminating – healthy habits of living with intention
• 3 Ways to Increase Your Impact Now

The post Tangible tips to live with intention. appeared first on Social Legacy.

It all starts with WHO we are.

If we aren’t clear on who we are yet, we ought to take a step in that direction by stating a desired goal because then, we start to become who we say we want to be. In the yellow bubble below, I shared our leadership vision at McCann Worldgroup in China.

You see, back in 2020, instead of continuing to behave as a traditional 4A agency, we stated a different vision of who we want to become. And in the last 2.5 years, we have made measurable progress against becoming our clients’ trusted partner, delivering tailor made strategy and creative that land in the market! We wouldn’t have accidentally gotten here, and wouldn’t have invested in the tech or people development we did… without that clearly defined North Star.

In the blue bubble on the right, I shared a story from The Spare Room book. In Chapter Four, a sales manager named Thomas is featured in the story called “The Two Misters” (brings a tear to my eye every time It think about those gentlemen!) Thomas befriended two guys living in a tent community near his office, and began bringing them food after work. The story of their friendship and how the two misters ended up in that community is a must-read! But what I stressed during the conference is the amplifying effect of living into our own “Who.” When Thomas began to live into his intention, his spirit of generosity became contagious!

So, who are YOU?

Here’s who you are not: you are not your job title. You are not one specific role you play in life, be it partner, parent, or child. You are more than that. In fact, you’re that unique combination of skills, experiences, capabilities, and personality quirks that makes you wonderfully made! And defining, writing down, and sharing your own Who is a great start towards living with more intentionality.

For related articles, check out:

• Redefine Yourself Constantly
• Are You a Consistent Leader?
• What Kind of Leader Are You?

If interested to learn more about the conference and the organization, check out https://apacoaches.org/.

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Did you know that riddles were the earliest recorded puzzles? I love a good word riddle, but personally struggle with the spatial ones like Rubik’s Cube. Most of all, I love a punny joke.

OK, back to the subject at hand: Games!

Our family loves games, though some of our favorites like Telestrations are more fun with bigger groups. Other favorites are:

• Dixit is beautiful and provides haunting insights into each other’s psyche
• Ticket to Ride is a classic!
• Settlers of Catan often inspires innovative family trades
• Spot it gives us an adrenaline kick
• Other portable games we enjoy are Love Letter, Exploding Kittens, and Not Parent Approved is like Cards Against Humanity for kids.

What are some of your favorite games?

Taking on life challenges together can also be rewarding.

I recently began introducing The Spare Room “Challenge of the Day”. These are small, achievable challenges on behaviors that we don’t normally think about… but which can be very rewarding! I call them micro-intentions. Because small steps, repeated over time, become habits. And as habits become ingrained in our behavior, they shape our life direction.

Some examples are:

• Get outside for 10 minutes
• Select someone to surprise and delight today,
• Chew your food 32 times (which is supposed to be optimal, but who does that!?)

These are fun to do individually or with friends! So I’ll be posting one challenge every day this week. Check it out and let me know if you’ve done one! To find all my challenges, follow me on Instagram or Facebook (@thespareroom.emilychang).

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