THE NONESSENTIAL MINDSET

If essentials enable us to be, and to exist…nonessentials are all about how we feel and grow. By adopting the nonessential mindset, we can shift our focus from surviving to thriving. From simply doing to engaging. And from “getting through the day” to living in abundance and joy! Here are three nonessentials I’ve learned, which can make all the difference.

1. Embrace with language

In our spare room, we’ve hosted a number of teenagers we barely knew. Lexi, one of our fourteen-year-old girls, was sweet and quiet. Because of challenging life circumstances, she was often withdrawn and sad. Well, to draw her out, our family would invite her to join us when we went out to dinner or visited the ice rink.

Here’s what we learned – asking Lexi if she’d like to join us immediately isolated her. It became “her” vs. “we”. Despite our positive intentions, we made Lexi feel like an outsider or a guest. So, we changed our language to become more embracing. We started saying, “heads up, we’re going out to dinner tonight,” embracing her with casual, familiar language that helped the teen feel like she was part of the family. You see, tweaking wording may not feel like an essential, but considering the nuances… this nonessential mindset made all the difference for Lexi.

2. Mind the Optics

Years after Lexi lived with us, we opened our spare room to Lotus. If you’ve read my book, you’ll know this teen was the daughter of a prostitute and her pimp. Lotus grew up sharing a dirty, horrifying room with her mother in the brothel. Despite her challenged upbringing, she really loved school and poured her heart into her studies. This often meant that Lotus arrived late to group events, because she attended buxiban or extra tutoring sessions after school.

I remember one day Lotus met us as a restaurant, and we had already begun eating with some friends when she arrived. I had neglected to leave a chair open for her, thinking we’d just squeeze one in when she got there. But then I noticed the teenager’s face. Her cheeks reddened and she shifted uncomfortably as she looked around, wondering where to sit. That’s when I realized that another nonessential, the optics, are so important. Leaving an open seat for Lotus signaled a warm welcome and demonstrated that we were waiting for her to join us.

Ever since that dinner, I take care to mind the optics. Do we need to make space for a wheelchair? Isn’t he left-handed? He’ll want to sit at the end of the table. Doesn’t she struggle with her eyesight? Let’s ensure we leave her a space near the front of the room. The nonessential mindset helps everyone feel cared for and considers how to eliminate unnecessarily awkward moments.

3. Acknowledge Contribution

With the babies we cared for, we had to do everything for them! And sometimes, we adopted the same approach with older kids. Jaesin was our oldest spare room resident. And when he stayed with us, I was so focused on serving him, making sure he felt comfortable… that I neglected to realize he was, in return, trying to serve us!

One day, I opened the refrigerator and saw the most beautiful bowl of watermelon cubes with all the seeds carefully removed. Laini skipped into the room and seeing me holding the bowl, happily declared, “Mom, that’s mine! Jaesin cuts watermelon for me for my afternoon snack.” I glanced at my little girl’s glowing face and saw how this gesture made her feel so loved.

That evening, I acknowledged Jaesin’s contribution over dinner. And I will never forget his response. He said: “I don’t know how else to help out, so I make watermelon salad for Laini.” Friends, people want to contribute, and they appreciate recognition for their contributions. That’s why an important nonessential is to consider how we might create the context for others’ contribution and then ensure we recognize and appreciate their input.

What are your nonessentials?

The three nonessentials I touched on were: 1) Embracing with language, 2) Minding the optics, and 3) Acknowledging contribution. I’d love to hear about any nonessentials that you’ve found important and uplifting to others!

Click here to watch the full TEDx talk on “The Nonessentials“

Check out my first TEDx talk on “The Spare Room“

Or view my third TEDx talk here: “On Killing Chickens”

The post My Fourth TEDx Talk: The Nonessentials appeared first on Social Legacy.

This photo was taken during our 2021 trip to InterContinental Wonderland, an amazing hotel I had worked on opening before leaving IHG for my next work adventure, so I was keen to see the finished product. It’s truly a spectacular experience, from the fabulous underwater Mr. Fisher restaurant to the views and service.

In fact, GGA is just one of our family rituals. Over the years, our family has intentionally created and scheduled sets of experiences.

Why are family rituals important?

• Rituals create a sense of rhythm and set expectations for each of us, particularly important for the little ones.
• Set family activities create space in busy social calendars, because we all need breathing space and down time.
• Repeated behaviors become habits, which shape character over time. They help us become who we want to be.
• They’re fun!

Here are our family rituals:

• Daily – we end every single day with HPGs – these are our High, Proud, and Gratitude. Isn’t it too easy for kids to say that everything’s fine? When parents asked what happened today, a pat answer can be expected: “nothing much.” On the other hand, HPGs set our mind throughout the day about what we’ll share at the end of it. They help us become more aware of good things as they’re happening, and immerse us in a steady state of gratitude.
• Weekly – we set aside one day a week for Pizza Movie night. Perhaps not the most creative, but we love it! The three of us rotate who gets to pick the movie, but the pizza always comes with jalapeños. This sets regular family time every weekend, which creates necessary space between social activities and obligations.
• Yearly – we have been painting our annual vision for about a decade now! Yes, our family has found painting visions is more abstract but art offers more freedom to dream, than setting hard goals. And we paint over the previous year with each new year – wow, these canvases are getting heavy! 😅

What are YOUR family’s rituals?

I’d love to hear about them!

For last year’s new year intentions, check out this post.

I shared thoughts about family rituals and more at a recent parenting conference in Abu Dhabi. For more on that experience, check out this post about that time the royal family invited me to speak.

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Define your Social Legacy as a family.

This was the core idea of my talk. In fact, defining our family’s social legacy has been a huge enabler for our family. It has deepened our conversations about how we want to live life, prioritize our time, and engage with those around us. But before we can define our social legacy as a family, we need to define who we are as individuals. (Yes, you may see a theme if you’ve read my other posts! And on a quick side note, I do see quite a few parallels between how we operate at work and at home).

As Socrates has been credited for saying, it’s helpful to “Know Thyself.” (Another side note – actually, he didn’t come up with the phrase; the motto is inscribed on the Temple of Delphi). Regardless of source, the point is an important one. By deeply understanding ourselves and what drives us, we can examine how we fit together as a family, like pieces of a puzzle. For instance, my sharp edge here may complement his soft surface there. Or his disciplined approach to time management may keep her on track when she’s prone to distraction.

Our family is delighted by our differences!

The Chang’s have done a number of these Enneagram, MBTI, Love Language assessments. They’re not only fun, but they reveal valuable insights and open meaningful dialogue between the three of us. Not sure I love the “entrepreneur” image that relates to my latest MBTI, but I do agree with much of the assessment 😅

If you’re like many of the audience members who hadn’t explored this kind of dialogue with their families, check out some of the resources I shared. They are listed on the left hand side of the slide. These reflective exercises are fun and most worthy of investment! Because as Neo Jane Masisi, the First Lady of Botswana asked on stage, “Parents, whether biological or otherwise: if what we do while in this world is not for our children, or their children, what, then, is our main driving force in this world?”

For related articles, check out:

• A Three Month Miracle – the story of our latest Spare Room kid
• Does Your Family Have a Safety Plan? Practical tips for parents
• A list of our family’s favorite games

Photo credit: Gulf News Quote reference: Khaleejtimes.com

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Let’s start with writing it down.

Yes, this is a graphic of a tombstone. Perhaps a bit morbid, but as someone who enjoys defining the end goal, this is sort of the ultimate end goal! You see, if we can define how we want to be remembered, we will find ourselves adjust our daily choices with more deliberation, prioritization, and intent. Do you have an epitaph? If not, take a moment and write yours down now. How do you want to be remembered?

• Now that you have a draft, are there elements that you feel pretty good about? Keep it up!
• Maybe there are other parts of your epitaph that feel like a distant goal. That’s OK, starting today, you’ve got those words to drive you every day!

So, once you’ve written your epitaph, post it somewhere you can see it every day. Maybe even share it with those closest to you – because once you share an intention, you’ve created a verbal contract!

Then, let’s consider the trolls.

Once we have defined how we want to live our life, what might stand in our way? Almost always, the most challenging limitations don’t diminish us from outside, but rather from within. What are your personal trolls? Take a moment to define what diminishes your physical wellness.

• Is it food related? Perhaps you need to start each day with a healthy breakfast. Or perhaps it’s not food-related but tied to your exercise routine, sleep habits, or other priorities that enable you to be at your physical best.
• What about those trolls that whisper in your ear? Do they insinuate that you’re not good enough? Do they plant seeds of fear or doubt? Identifying those trolls is the first first step to putting them to rest.
• What about your spiritual balance? Perhaps you’re an introvert and you need a certain amount of time to yourself each week. Or perhaps you find you’re at your best when you start each day in quiet meditation.

I hope these tangible tips have gotten you thinking and help you begin to live with deeper intention.

For related articles, check out:

• My first post about the APAC Coaching Conference: Who are you?
• Reflecting vs. Ruminating – healthy habits of living with intention
• 3 Ways to Increase Your Impact Now

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It all starts with WHO we are.

If we aren’t clear on who we are yet, we ought to take a step in that direction by stating a desired goal because then, we start to become who we say we want to be. In the yellow bubble below, I shared our leadership vision at McCann Worldgroup in China.

You see, back in 2020, instead of continuing to behave as a traditional 4A agency, we stated a different vision of who we want to become. And in the last 2.5 years, we have made measurable progress against becoming our clients’ trusted partner, delivering tailor made strategy and creative that land in the market! We wouldn’t have accidentally gotten here, and wouldn’t have invested in the tech or people development we did… without that clearly defined North Star.

In the blue bubble on the right, I shared a story from The Spare Room book. In Chapter Four, a sales manager named Thomas is featured in the story called “The Two Misters” (brings a tear to my eye every time It think about those gentlemen!) Thomas befriended two guys living in a tent community near his office, and began bringing them food after work. The story of their friendship and how the two misters ended up in that community is a must-read! But what I stressed during the conference is the amplifying effect of living into our own “Who.” When Thomas began to live into his intention, his spirit of generosity became contagious!

So, who are YOU?

Here’s who you are not: you are not your job title. You are not one specific role you play in life, be it partner, parent, or child. You are more than that. In fact, you’re that unique combination of skills, experiences, capabilities, and personality quirks that makes you wonderfully made! And defining, writing down, and sharing your own Who is a great start towards living with more intentionality.

For related articles, check out:

• Redefine Yourself Constantly
• Are You a Consistent Leader?
• What Kind of Leader Are You?

If interested to learn more about the conference and the organization, check out https://apacoaches.org/.

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