So, it’s really about social constructionism.

Social constructionism says that our sense of self is created through social interactions and cultural norms. It suggests that we view authenticity as a socially negotiated concept, rather than an inherent quality. Now, this may run counter to what you grew up believing – that your unique characteristics and how you behave are driven by internal factors. That’s because social constructionism states that environmental factors are what influence your behavior, and there’s no such thing as true authenticity.

Wait, is there science behind this?

I did a little reading and learned a few things.

1. Erving Goffman wrote the book, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. In it, he uses the metaphor of theater to describe social interactions and how they shape the way we see ourselves. He argues that we then invest in “impression management” to sway how others perceive us, maintaining a desired image by adapting our behavior. In short, he suggests that authenticity may simply be a performance that lines up with social expectations.
2. Dan McAdams is a professor at Northwestern University, developed the theory of narrative identity. This theory says that we construct a sense of self by creating and internalizing our life stories. And these narratives give us a sense of purpose, lending meaning to our lived experiences. In fact, how we narrate our life can be key to our well-being. Also, when we’re feeling out of sync, we can simply reshape our stories.

The key ideas are that:

• Knowledge is socially created: How we see the world is shaped by social interactions, vs. a definitive reality.
• Reality isn’t fixed: Rather, it’s constantly dynamic and changes through social interaction.

What do you think?

The above would suggest that authenticity is expressed by displaying our character as others would expect to see us. And maybe that’s true to some extent. But I stand by the idea that we maintain a deeper sense of self which isn’t only informed by those around us.

Humans are complex and while much of how we view ourselves is through the stories we tell, those self-narratives shape how we engage with others… which shapes who we become… and when represented consistently… can become our expression of authenticity. I learned a lot from my interesting conversation with Jon and the subsequent reading. Now, I conclude that authenticity is a complex thing. It’s the dynamic interplay between our internal sense of self, our narrative, and our social interactions.

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Why needing comes from a place of scarcity.

When we feel the need for something, we’re trying to fill a perceived hole in what feels like a zero-sum game. It feels desperate, consuming… and often, lonely. You see, if I need something that someone else has, I must seize from them to benefit myself. Conversely, if someone else is doing well, I may feel that their success comes at my expense.

How do we operate when we perceive resources are scarce?

• We worry about and hoard what we have.
• Our hands hold onto things tightly, our posture clenched and rigid.
• Emotions become tethered to, and swing wildly when are perceived needs are filled.
• We focus on costs, think in transactions, and covet security.

How wanting can come from a place of abundance

Yep, it’s the total opposite! Instead of filling a perceived hole, we approach life with gratitude, creativity and cooperation. Instead of worrying about not getting our fair share of limited resources, we consider ways to innovate solutions and create more. We see endless opportunity as we want for ourselves, and for everyone!

How do we operate when we approach the world with an abundance mindset?

• We let our imaginations loose and dream about what we want.
• Outstretched hands reach out, our posture loose and open.
• Our emotions remain steady, because our want doesn’t come from a place of fear.
• We focus on investments, think about transformations, and pursue purpose.

This applies to every aspect of life and work.

In life – if you exist in the scarcity of need, you may feel overwhelmed with anxiety. The pressures of life can weigh you down, leaving you immobile. Or perhaps you need to feel loved and remain in a relationship that isn’t healthy or balanced.

But if you embrace the abundance of want, you start with gratitude. You recognize all that you have and calibrate what is enough… often, more than enough. Then, you design creative solutions that amplify – our family’s shared living solution is one example that brings us so much joy!

At work – if you operate with the scarcity of need, you might remain in a job that you don’t love. You may come to resent your boss or peers, or spiral in self-deprecation.

However, if you embrace the abundance of want, you appreciate what you can in your current role. Then, you consider ways to grow your influence and increase your impact. Perhaps you design a new role for yourself or begin looking outside as you want for more. For instance, wanting to write a book, my family supported a bold move to take a one-year sabbatical and do just that.

If you shift your Need to Want, you’ll find yourself:

• Worrying less and dreaming more,
• Holding things less tightly, and reaching out with open anticipation,
• Focused less on security and more on opportunity,
• Releasing a need for status and instead, pursuing contribution,
• Shifting your mindset from mandatories to multipliers,
• Reframing costs as investments,
• Dropping transactions and designing transformations,
• Evolving your approach from managing to leading,
• As your priorities become purpose.

For related articles, check out

• Find the fun and leave a legacy – that time I played community elf.
• The power of tiny interactions – and the abundance they bring!

Images made in my WPP Creative Studio

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Is there one approach that sets you up for success in all those circumstances? I think there is.

Approach with high engagement and low attachment. Whether you’re tired at 7am and prefer to stay curled up in bed… or you’re anxious about what your boss wants to discuss at 4pm, approach each moment with high engagement. Be fully present and garner the energy to be at your best, even if it requires a few minutes of mental preparation or meditation beforehand.

Yet while you’re totally engaged, try and maintain a posture of low attachment. This means you don’t let it get personal. Your identity and self-worth are not tied to the outcome of this moment or situation. Regardless of what happens, you can walk away knowing you did your best and don’t internalize the result as a measure of who you are.

Can you think of a time you successfully engaged with high engagement + low attachment? Try to exercise the mindset this week, and let me know how it goes!

The post A success formula for all circumstances… Yes, really. appeared first on Social Legacy.

The idea is this: we have to define our own success metrics for life, considering our own unique combination of who we are, what our family needs, and the context in which we thrive. 

This requires self-reflection to know ourselves well. It also takes honesty and objectivity, to not fall back on the “standard” metrics society has taught us to value. And it takes courage to pursue, to stand for, and to live every day. 

Assessing our lives through the lens of another, even when we meet or exceed those objectives, may leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled. Rather, defining what success looks like for each of us, then living intentionally against that definition, can lead us to a life of meaning, fulfillment, and purpose. 

The post Don’t live by someone else’s success metric. appeared first on Social Legacy.

Head: “Does this make sense?” “Does it appeal to me intellectually and can I understand value in a tangible, data-based way?”

Heart: “Does this align with my ethos? Do I feel great about the mission behind this decision and does it help me build into people in a meaningful way?”

I’ve recently added Gut. My friend Rui has a great definition for gut: “Gut or Intuition is simply a synthesis of all your life experiences, distilled.”

Defined that way, gut is more than an ambiguous, fickle sense. It seems like an important third lens, worth considering alongside Head and Heart. What do you think?

The post Trust your gut. appeared first on Social Legacy.

She responded with an excellent comment: “But really, are we ever NOT in the in-between?” What an insightful observation! Life is a constant stream of experience. Moments flow fluidly from one to the other. And while one job may end where another begins, we risk diminishing our life view when we think of each job or stage of life as a solid, unmoving thing. Instead, taking a more dynamic view of life can open our eyes to new possibilities. What if we were always in the in-between? Would we settle less and strive more? Would we appreciate the small learns and wonder more?

Haley and I enjoyed this view as we hiked and talked. What a gorgeous thing it is: the in-between.

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