Look for experiences that round you out.

This was a great point – when we get itchy to move onward and upward, we often look for the next title or more pay. But Bhav encourages listeners to seek experiences that build out our skill set – go wide, not up. If you look to expand your experience set when looking for something new, you set yourself up for continued growth.

Now, we recognize that leaning into different experiences is scary. You may worry, “What if I fail?”

But… what if you succeed?

In fact, we often don’t realize it when we push for the next promotion that we may be plateauing in our career. So, look for experiences that round you out, vs. accelerate up.

Be the luck in other people’s life.

What does Bhav mean? He recognized how we’ve both been so lucky in our lives and our careers. It’s true – we’ve had great bosses and mentors, people who have helped us along. So the best thing we can do is to turn and pull. That is, become the luck in another’s life. And I couldn’t agree more with Bhav that this approach in life will pay back multiple times.

I’ll pause here and recognize no career is all smooth sailing. Sure, there are bumps and people we would have preferred to not work for or with. But two things bear remembering: 1) We learned from those people and experiences, because humans grow and strengthen through friction, 2) We ought not fixate on the negatives, for risk of missing the luck and positivity from which we’ve also benefitted.

View everything as an opportunity.

Bhav grew up in Nairobi, Kenya where there was a lot of turmoil and specifically, persecution of Indians. This led his parents to take the kids and move to London with nothing. There, their close family of five started over, figuring out how to all live in one rented room. Even as they collected coins to pay a meter for electricity, Bhav and his siblings realized they had a great life together – and saw everything extra as pure opportunity.

OK, reading about his upbringing may not resonate as privilege. But Bhav always sees the opportunity – and he intentionally reflects to recognize the privileges he did grow up with. And he reminds our listeners that not everyone has had the same privilege they’ve had, either. What a wise, awesome leader. Had to post a photo from when we recently hiked to the Wisdom Tree 🙂

Listen to the full podcast here and for all my podcasts, please check out the podcast page on my site.

Interested in hearing more from Bhav? If you’re in Singapore this July, check him and this event out at ProcureCon Asia.

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So, it’s really about social constructionism.

Social constructionism says that our sense of self is created through social interactions and cultural norms. It suggests that we view authenticity as a socially negotiated concept, rather than an inherent quality. Now, this may run counter to what you grew up believing – that your unique characteristics and how you behave are driven by internal factors. That’s because social constructionism states that environmental factors are what influence your behavior, and there’s no such thing as true authenticity.

Wait, is there science behind this?

I did a little reading and learned a few things.

1. Erving Goffman wrote the book, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. In it, he uses the metaphor of theater to describe social interactions and how they shape the way we see ourselves. He argues that we then invest in “impression management” to sway how others perceive us, maintaining a desired image by adapting our behavior. In short, he suggests that authenticity may simply be a performance that lines up with social expectations.
2. Dan McAdams is a professor at Northwestern University, developed the theory of narrative identity. This theory says that we construct a sense of self by creating and internalizing our life stories. And these narratives give us a sense of purpose, lending meaning to our lived experiences. In fact, how we narrate our life can be key to our well-being. Also, when we’re feeling out of sync, we can simply reshape our stories.

The key ideas are that:

• Knowledge is socially created: How we see the world is shaped by social interactions, vs. a definitive reality.
• Reality isn’t fixed: Rather, it’s constantly dynamic and changes through social interaction.

What do you think?

The above would suggest that authenticity is expressed by displaying our character as others would expect to see us. And maybe that’s true to some extent. But I stand by the idea that we maintain a deeper sense of self which isn’t only informed by those around us.

Humans are complex and while much of how we view ourselves is through the stories we tell, those self-narratives shape how we engage with others… which shapes who we become… and when represented consistently… can become our expression of authenticity. I learned a lot from my interesting conversation with Jon and the subsequent reading. Now, I conclude that authenticity is a complex thing. It’s the dynamic interplay between our internal sense of self, our narrative, and our social interactions.

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Goodness comes from weak ties.

Tiny interactions that can be forgotten almost as quickly as they happened, have far more impact that we might think! Professionally, Granovetter observed them bridging networks, people and information. Socially, I see two priceless benefits:

1. Weak ties connect people who share less in common. While strong ties are developed through meaningful commonalities in values or demographics, weak ties connect folks from different social circles. This broadens our world view, helping us see and understand perspectives different from our own.
2. Those diverse connections are nourishing, and in fact, are part of why it’s so much fun to go to work. They enable us to feel connected to a vibrant, interesting community. At VML, we recently remodeled our Playa Vista office to become more of a WPP campus, which has created more buzz and excitement than ever before!

In discussing this concept with my friend Alex Lubar recently, he beautifully called them “fleeting engagements” and helped me crystallize my POV. Thanks, friend!

Does that mean strong ties are bad?

Absolutely not! Strong ties are the ones we lean on in crisis, the trusted voices we go to for advice in life’s most stretching moments. They are valued, close relationships, often forged over years of shared experience.

Yet, it’s helpful to be aware that networks of strong ties can also be limiting. We may see the world through a biased view, reinforced by the similar voices around us. You see, there is the dangerous tendency to seek out people and information that affirm our existing beliefs, and strong ties can serve this purpose.

On the other hand, a larger, more diverse social network is more likely to serve up opposing views, challenging our belief system and encouraging more critical thinking.

StanfordReport says it well: “The more homophilic a society is, the greater the resulting inequality and lack of social mobility can be.”

How to nurture those tiny interactions.

So, you’re thinking you want to diversify your interactions. Perhaps you seek a more heterogenous community, or are experiencing loneliness. How do you get started?

1. Initiate a new routine. I have two dogs and walk the same routes every day – so I see the same neighbors every day. But last weekend, I started winding new roads and met some interesting new people. So try taking a different route in your daily travels. By the way, if you don’t have dogs, consider rescuing one – they bring so much joy to the home and also serve as the perfect social lubricant!
2. Settle down in a public space. Last week, my dogs resisted going back into the house after a walk, so I sat on my front lawn. I met loads of neighbors and plan to sit out front more often! Maybe you don’t have a lawn – settle in at a local coffee shop with a book and extra-large latte.
3. Pack up and give away leftovers. I’ve gotten to know some lovely people this way. It costs nothing to ask a restaurant to box up leftovers, and feels great when we can open the car window and give it to someone who could use it.
4. Volunteer. Noticeboards in your coffee shop, library or grocery store often seek volunteers for local events. What a great way to contribute and meet people in your community!
5. Smile. A Travelodge survey showed that nearly half of those surveyed have become kinder post-COVID, and 42% of adults stated that that when a stranger does something nice unexpectedly, it makes their day extra special. In fact, random acts of kindness are contagious, so catalyze a movement today and discover the power of tiny interactions this week!

For related articles, check out:

• How Kitti Murphy built a diverse community around coffee @RefugeCoffee
• Developing a social legacy in the workplace
• The importance of psychological safety

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What are co-journeyers?

In life, we naturally seek out our tribe… our people. But co-journeyers often aren’t are tribe! You see, while we may seek out those we’re most comfortable with (e.g. those most like us) for shared experiences like road trips, life can sometimes introduce unexpected co-journeyers.

It’s true, traveling or sharing life with those who aren’t like us can be uncomfortable. Maybe because we don’t share common life views or sometimes, even a common vocabulary. But we often learn more from those who are different than us! There’s great value to finding both our tribe and our co-journeyers.

While we will certainly encounter moments of friction that challenge us, we can remember that challenge promotes growth. Because if we avoided anyone outside our tribe, life would come with less friction, but also less stretch.

Here’s what I’ve learned from some of my co-journeyers:

1. Tim and Hannah live with us and they have such an easy flow to their lives. Their studio exudes utmost calm as the lovely scent of patchouli wafts across our shared garden. I (sometimes enviably) notice how our dogs simply relax around them, and all living things seems to breathe easier. Including me. While I know my passion and energy are part of who I am, being around my co-journeyers has introduced a new, softer balance to my life. Thank you, my loves.

2. The Moursi’s. Laini and Libby became friends freshman year, so our families quickly became co-journeyers in LA… and now on college tours. While the mom’s share a love of whiskey and comedy, we’re also quite different. Molly is a history buff and thanks to her, we experienced parts of Boston I would have overlooked. Her joy is contagious and our family is certainly better for co-journeying with the Moursi clan.

And I’m so grateful for my tribe.

The ones who ‘get me’. We share similar passions and life philosophy, humor, a sense of adventure, and even industry. Sitting here writing this post, I’m feeling a bit emotional, suffused with deep gratitude for a life filled with true friends, loving family and abiding joy.

Challenge for the week:

This week, identify an unlikely co-journeyer. Maybe it’s a neighbor, a co-worker, or even someone you see regularly at the coffeeshop or school drop off… this is someone who keeps popping up in unexpected ways. Grab a coffee and create a shared experience together.

For related articles, check out:

• Our Tribe and our Village
• Pilgrims don’t travel alone
• For teens interested in an amazing adventure, check out Laini’s MyShanghai trip (June 23-30, 2024)!

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The Tribe

We may not live together, but we share a strong sense of community and belonging. When we’re together, conversation flows and dances in a smooth, jazzy rhythm, because we speak the same language. We nod emphatically at each others’ wisdom because we hold similar beliefs. Maybe we share a love of sports, hang at the same park, or just fit together and laugh until we cry.

Special shoutout to my precious delicious wonderful Shanghai tribe (upper right)! A couple years ago, I threw a big themed Wanderlust party and brought all the brilliant, funny, creative, joyful people I love to the beautiful Artyzen hotel. 26 spent the night, 14 got piercings, most got temp tattoos and every had a blast.

The Village

We might live together, but we’re more complementary than we are similar. Old films reference the “town drunk” or “village idiot”… that unique cast of characters with whom we share life. True, conversation may feel stilted, group events might get awkward and we may even experience friction.

Living as a village requires stretching our comfort zone and broadening our experiences. And yes, living in a village inevitably comes with some degree of friction. Yet it’s this friction that challenges us… and challenge promotes growth. Because if we only surrounded ourselves with a tribe, life would come with less friction, but also less stretch.

By the way, as I assembled this village collage, it became apparent that we found these special folks under one common umbrella: we met while serving together #LifeLesson.

Upper left: one of our monthly birthday parties for Lotus’ old neighborhood (see The Spare Room book, Chapter Five “The Prostitute’s Daughter”). Upper mid: service holiday at Utila, bringing groceries to the elderly on a not-very-accessible island. We initially went to volunteer at Jasper’s Animal Shelter (Chapter Four “The Vacation”), expanded our service, and met friends along the way! Lower mid: our new extended family as Teo moved from our. home to live with his forever family (Chapter Four “A Place to Die”). Lower right: service holiday building a school for disabled kids in Guatamala through the great program offered by IVHQ.

Meet our village today

Tim and Hannah live in the detached studio up and behind our house (isn’t it cute!) They’re brilliant creatives working to get their careers off the ground, so they live with us rent-free. So, here’s how our village works: it’s a beautiful two-way flow of support, contribution, value, respect, and love. Hannah often drops Laini when I’m not available and they care for the dogs while we’re traveling. The couple do laundry at our place and then include our order on their Costco runs. Some evenings, I bring up extra dinner and occasionally they bring down a special pourover coffee so we can enjoy the morning together.

Oh, and last week, Tim came to help when I got lazy, thinking I could dispose of an old bed frame without dissembling it first.

The tribe and the village. Let’s embrace both and live our richest life, full of colorful complexity and exquisite texture. And along the way, let’s grow into our best selves.

For related articles:

• Sizzles and Pops, on shining brightly
• More on our service holidays
• Send your teen girl to China with us!

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It’s all about the connections we make.

The shape of our story changes dramatically depending on where and how we draw connections. It’s about how we draw connections between cause and effect… between negative and positive. In fact, our story may be completely transformed by where we choose to end a paragraph or turn the page.

Is the story of your life one of redemption or contamination?

In the podcast, Jonathan Adler defines two types of stories: 1) Redemption narratives start off badly but end well, while 2) Contamination sequences start off well but end badly. He notes that the people who see a redemptive story in their lives are more positive, experience less stress, and approach life with more optimism. To this point, Adler shares about how participants in a recovering alcoholics group tell their stories. And those who found redemptive story arcs in their lives were more likely to stay sober.

Isn’t that interesting?

It’s not that the facts are any different… rather, it’s about how you interpret the story and where you draw a line, or insert a chapter break. This makes me think of that Taoist parable of the farmer. In the story, a farmer owns a horse that pulls his cart and the neighbors tell him he’s lucky. Then the horse runs away and the neighbors come round to commiserate. Later, the horse returns with another horse and the neighbors celebrate! And on it goes…

What can we learn from the story of the farmer’s life?

1. It’s not about what happens to us, it’s about how we view see the connections between things and where we draw the lines in our story. Draw the line at one point and he’s lucky. But draw it at a different point, and he’s unlucky.
2. In fact, maybe there isn’t a line at all, and life is purely cyclical. What if we dispelled the narratives altogether and simply experienced events to flow in and around us?

For related articles, check out:

• The importance of psychological safety
• The power of emotional granularity
• Telling Family Stories

Source: optimistic eye visual (Harry is only 14 years old!)

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Zoom is great, sometimes.

AG led with how tacit learning can be difficult on zoom. That’s because we need time to mull things over, chew on ideas, explore different possibilities. You see, as opposed to formalized or explicit knowledge, tacit knowledge is that brand of wisdom which is passed along in person, and through collaboration.

Tacit learning can be difficult to express and to extract… this is why it’s more difficult to transfer to those around us. It’s not easily written down or spoken. Rather, tacit knowledge includes the building blocks of personal wisdom, experience, insight and intuition.

How does one collect tacit knowledge?

AG talked about how we need to slow down and show up in order to absorb the full benefits of tacit learning, which is best accumulated when we collaborate at a higher level. The power of tacit learning comes when we find unlikely connections through shared brainstorming and discovery.

You see, the written word can miss out on civility and it can value extreme views. Further, media sometimes reflects the most strongly held and weakly informed opinions. And most algorithms ensure that we immediately see more, and more extreme versions of what just captivated us. As a result, our ability to holistically consider and solve issues has been slowed. In today’s virtual world, we are beginning to lose our socialization and personal skills. And these are hugely important when it comes to developing balanced perspectives to solve big problems.

The tougher the problem to solve, the stronger the relationship

I loved this point: if relationships aren’t strong, our opinions can become more sensational… it’s possible that some are not based in facts at all! But when we solve tough problems together, the social fabric that knits us together tightens and bonds us to one another.

This brings up another great point: inclusion is required for diversity to work. And the value of inclusion is required for diversity to be unleashed. OK, this isn’t impossible in a virtual world, but as tactile and emotive humans, investing in one another can accelerate a sense of community and inclusion.

So, instead of digging in to things that make you feel right, expose yourself to different views. Slow it down in order to think. Spend time with different people. Sit in the silence of a shared coffee. Ask each other questions that are off the agenda. And appreciate the power of tacit learning.

For related articles, check out:

• Wisdom from humble confidence
• The Chinese word for wisdom
• Wisdom vs. Intellect

Second image from Freepik, first made via AI

#HybridWorkplace #WorkplaceCulture

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Have you read Wild by Cheryl Strayed? I loved this book so much. She’s authentic, bold, and vulnerable while telling a personal story that is real and gritty. What’s interesting about her 1000+ mile hike is that while she embarked on it alone, Cheryl came across other travelers who became part of her experience.

Here’s what I realized: pilgrimage is generally thought of as a solitary act, but is in fact, a communal one. Another journeyer, Richard Frazer, walked the Camino in 2019. In his book, Travels with a Stick, he describes this shared experience: “The freedom and trust of the Camino allows real friendship to arise and develop very quickly, and can be a genuine source of blessing even if it does not last more than a few miles or a pilgrim dinner.”

What a wonderful realization! Wanderers are often not alone, and actually enjoy a unique brand of companionship in their journeys. Suddenly, I find myself grateful for the fellow travelers I’ve met in life. In truth, I have been blessed by friends and companions who have shared life, helping me bear the load and celebrating the views along our way.

For related articles:

• Hygge: The Danes’ take on comfort for the spirit
• Learn to roll with it: rippling with life’s unexpected twists & turns
• Head outside the lines: experience something new

Photo credit, Cheryl photo, evening picnic pic

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We love and appreciate nature! Check out the month+ our family spent on the road in our #MobileBiosphere at the start of COVID and that precious time in nature. To read about what we did for Ocean Day at McCann, check out this post.

Photo credit: https://interestingengineering.com/lists/15-examples-of-the-magnificent-phenomenon-of-crown-shyness

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But going back to the idea, do you believe you can create as you speak? Maybe this isn’t about magic. Perhaps it’s about the importance of our words. Are you aware of what you’re thinking, of what you’re saying?

Instead of “I don’t deserve… I can’t do this…” 

What might happen if you speak in affirmation? “I will… I can…”

It’s about more than speaking with conviction. I think there’s power to aligning our beliefs with our emotions and our intentions. Because when those things aren’t aligned, magic can’t happen. We unintentionally limit ourselves. But when they do, the impossible can become possible. 

I took the photo of our wine tour guide in Lucca. After his grandmother passed and the family’s property went into disrepair, he and his cousin dropped everything to learn wine making. Just before COVID, they restarted on a small scale and every day since, they are creating as they speak. A new legacy and a revived property, brimming with hope, passion, commitment, and insanely hard work. Do visit Factoria Maionchi if you go to Italy – and see what the guys have created! 

I’ve personally experienced abruq ad babra happen in my life – have you? If not, are you willing to give it a try? Get specific: define an intention and commit to investing your emotion, intellect, and energy behind it! I’d love to hear what happens.

For more on our vacations, check out this post. For tangible tips on living with intention, click here.

#vineyard #lucca #intention #abracadabra #arabiclanguage

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